Bank holiday tip of the day

The Notting Hill Carnival brought plenty of business into town tonight, both wanted and unwanted,I started my shift about 6pm, i thought i would avoid the General area of the Carnival, and drove down the finchley Road into Swiss cottage, not a hand in sight, so i put on the Marriott in King Henry's rd, and there waiting was a punter, pleased with myself i thought you just gotta know where to look, you've either got it or you ain't,"Notting Hill Carnival" Please Driver, An American Tourist, i explained to him about the road closure's and the traffic, so i ended up dropping him off at the Bishops Bridge Rd Jct with Queensway, So much for the Master plan to avoid the Carnival,
Straight away i got a fare from there to Oxford Circus which was a tickle,
After dropping off at Oxford Circus i thought I'd chance my arm on the Langham Hilton, Secretly thinking to myself i might get a fare out to the Airport, i didn't have to wait long before the Doorman called me over,
Two American Gentlemen got in and asked for the Savoy on the Strand, by the time i got there,the meter was showing exactly ten pounds, the older gentleman of the two gave me a tenner and said to wait a minute,fumbling about with a hand full of change, and then proceeded to put ten pence in my hand and said that's for you driver, the time it took him to sort that out, the meter had gone up to £10.40.
Beside myself with Glee,
I gave my Cabbie mate Carlos AKA "Londoncabby", =
a ring to have a Coffee,as we don't get to meet up so much these days as i usually work the day shift,
We met up in the Edgware rd in Costa Coffee bar, the whole area was Buzzing with revelers from the Carnival,
I needed a Pat Cash so headed straight for the Bog, Whilst Carlos ordered the Coffee's there was a Que for the toilet,but it wasn't long before the Cabaret started, these three young Girl's and i use the term Girl's very loosley,
Bowled in immediately making their presence felt intimidating everyone in sight, Stoned out of their Tiny Box's,throwing things at each other, one of them was lying on the floor with a big grin on her face with her eye's rolled back,
When all of a sudden this smartly dressed Bloke in a suit takes exception to their presence and Say's to the guy behind the counter "why do you let pieces of shit like that in here, one of the Babes in a shell suit, hears it and gives him a mouthful, The suit ain't having none of it and forcefully ejects the Two on their feet straight out the door, I chirped up with "GO ON MY SON" then he comes back for the lump on the floor she had what i can only describe as a free flying lesson and smashed against the door frame as she flew out the door,
Their pride in tatters and everyone laughing at them, they proceeded to throw a cup of coffee at the suit before breaking the land speed record for losers, leaving the scene of a crime.
All in all the evening passed off pretty peacefully and was pretty lucrative

I have really heard it all now

Just come back from another Saturday night at London Zoo,
sometimes it really feels like that out there, picking your way through best way you can, avoiding people throwing up, wanting to fight, arguing about the amount on the meter,the route you took, driving too slow, driving too fast,"What DYA Mean you've never erd of it i fawt you lot werr supost ta naw evryfing" Including Einstein's Theory of General Relativity, As iv said before The Knowledge not to be confused with Knowledge,
Anyway my Gripe for Saturday night, all night long i kept getting jobs up North of London, that's OK but i live in North London, when i want to go home, Where are all these people that live North of this wonderful city, everyone wants to go south, Sods Law nothing to do with Einstein's,
Anyway i get all the way back into Covent Garden for the fifth time, & this sweet lady flags me down and asks for Crouch end, OK Say's i, "I'm just wainting for my friends" Say's she as she makes herself comfortable in the back leaving the door open, then appears her four friends three of which are carrying the fourth,So off i go again, on reaching Crouch end she Say's pull over here driver,, some of us want to get out.
Three get out,leaving the comatosed guy and his friend in the back, who want to go around the corner "Good luck with Tom" Say's she, anyway we get around the corner he pays me off and tries to drag Tom out of the cab, Poor old Tom fall's flat on his face on the ground, and his pal actually started to drag him down the road by his arm.
I floored it to get away as quick as i could, Its at this point iv decided to throw the towel in, Iv run short of small change also, adding to my Woes,

On the way back as I'm sat a set of Traffic lights, This South African Guy who's Obviously had a good drink but looks OK Say's could i take him to Dollis Hill, its right on my way so i agree, He's Chatting on his Mobile phone most of the way and as we neared the destination i could not believe my ears at what he said next,"Have these cab's got modified suspension" Wondering where this conversation is going IE complaint or maybe a compliment,I say "No standard Suspension" Then he Say's "Iv heard that the meter is connected to the suspension and every time you go over a bump the meter goes up" I Roar with laughter and say "WHAT are you serious" i assured him the meter would go up anyway it doesn't require help from bumps NUTTER, i really have heard it all now.

From the Taxi trade Paper

Usually not too much attention is paid to a
parked taxi especially when it is by a taxi
shelter; after all, cabs are left there regularly
by drivers stopping for something to eat. But
one cab left in Kensington Gore on Tuesday
24 July was brought to the attention of the
police and resulted in a great deal of disruption
to the area.
The cab had been parked for a number
of hours and fellow cab drivers believing that
it might have been stolen and dumped contacted
the police. In the back of the cab
there was a large blue plastic container and
a load of newspapers.
It was the blue container that caused
the police to be twitchy and they cordoned
off the area amid fears that the cab could be
packed with explosives, in another failed
bomb attack on London.
Police explosive experts called in a remote-
controlled robot to remove the windows
of the cab so the blue container could
be examined. It was eventually declared
safe, the cordon lifted and traffic gradually
returned to normal.
The blue plastic container was the kind
used to send goods overseas and had been
innocently left by the driver in the back of his
cab while he attended to other business

living up to my name

I was flagged down by a woman in Park st S.e.1, ecstatic about getting a fare in such a remote location, i rolled down the window and with a big sultry smile was greeted with
I'm sorry to trouble you but do you have any jump leads" my disappointment at not being a fare, was overcome by my desire to be a Knight in shining armour for a damsel in distress,

As i never had any leads i asked her if her car was manual or automatic "manual" she replies

so i said we could have a go at trying to bump start it, "Great" says she, we got to the car and her old man is sat behind the wheel, "this kind gentleman has offered to give us a push" says she,
at this point i asked the damsel if she could drive, to which she replied yes,
but her fella had no intention of getting out to push, Damsel assures me she is very fit and strong, so both of us get our hands placed on the boot lid and start to push, we pushed it about 100yards to no avail,
so i suggested we push it back into the space it came out of,

It was at this point i noticed a traffic warden approaching my cab so i legged back over to my cab, absolutely Knackered i explained to the warden that i was helping a damsel in distress who was fluttering her eyelids at him, and he just told me to back it up off the double yellow lines so i did, and then went back to help push, we agreed to give it one last go in reverse, pushing with all my might, NOTHING dead as a dodo, Anyway i left them there to get on with it,
And for about the next two hours thought i was gonna have a coronary, Chest pains, couldn't catch my breath, i thought great i'm gonna die trying to be the BLOODY good Samaritan, but it passed over I'm glad to say.

Winston Churchill said"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. "

Then later on when i was on my way home in the rain, chatting away to my friend on my hands free, i momentarily took my eyes off the road, when i turned back the car in front was stationary and about six foot away, i slammed the brakes on and slid straight up the Arse of the car in front,

luckily no'one was hurt and there was no visual damage to either vehicle we exchanged details and i went on my way.

P.s Thank God for protected no claims Bonus

P.P.s In London there is a Minicab crowd that go by the name of Karma Kars http://www.karmakabs.com/ they drive around in these old Wolseley type cars,
with both front and rear bumpers covered in flowers, the drivers have them Hare Krishna type robes on, the insides of the car's are adorned with Hippie like trinket's They are a sight to behold.
Anyway being a Walking Talking Living Disaster, i accidentally cut one up, and to my amazement he was hanging out the window giving me the Wanker sign, Whilst Quoting a well known verse "YOU FUCKING WANKER" I must admit it did make i laugh.

A little Ditty as i start my day

I got up at six this morning had my shower and am about to tuck in to my three shredded Wheat, back to my normal schedule now,
I'll remember this little Quote as i go through my day today
Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live. ~Margaret Fuller

Until later then.

The Knowledge by Jack Rosenthal

The Knowledge not to be confused with Knowledge

The story charts the trials and tribulations of four men attempting to learn ‘The Knowledge’ and become London cabbies. Languid Chris (Mick Ford) is the youngest of the four and one of millions on the dole, Gordon (Michael Elphick) is a serial womanizer and has spent years working as a cowboy handyman, Ted Margolis (Jonathan Lynn) comes from a long line of cabbies and feels compelled to follow in his relatives footsteps, and lastly the elderly Walters (David Ryall), one of life’s losers nicknamed ‘Titanic’ who just wants to talk to people as an escape from his uncommunicative wife.."I Know how he feels" All four start their prospective careers by visiting the Metropolitan Police Public Carriage Office to meet their examiner, Mr. Burgess (Nigel Hawthorne), a man with a fearsome reputation and nickname of The Vampire.
Mr. Burgess explains that The Knowledge was laid down by the Hackney Carriage Act of 1843 and involves learning 468 runs within a six mile radius of Charing Cross; starting with Manor House Station to Gibson Square. Chris’ girlfriend Janet contributes to buying him a moped and initially is his driving force until she tires of the task’s intrusion into their private life. Gordon leaves behind an irate and frustrated wife (Maureen Lipman) and uses half of his time learning London’s road routes as an excuse to carry on an extra-marital affair. Margolis is the most confident of the quartet and is quickly pages ahead of his fellow Knowledge boys in memorizing the routes. Finally there is Titanic, who attempts to learn all the runs on a bicycle and farcically wobbles all around London in an effort to do so – frequently falling from his bike. At intervals they are called in to see Mr. Burgess for an appearance, which involves the learner attempting to detail one of the runs whilst Burgess endeavors to put them off with a series of diversions often involving throwing water, laughing loudly or putting Vicks nasal inhalers up his nose. Eventually, after twelve months or more, each learns whether he has failed or earned the prestigious green badge.

Gordon (Michael Elphick) is Kicked off the Knowledge while being tested by the vampire
Ted Margolis (Jonathan Lynn) passes of course with flying colours, but loses his licence the day he gets it after going on the razzle with the rest of the boys to celebrate passing, he gets done for driving under the influence
Chris (Mick Ford) and the Titanic pass also, the day the Titanic passes he leaves his wife, and tells the boys she begged him to come back, when truly it can be heard her Shouting”Piss off and don’t come back”

Saturday Night Fever

I profess to be a day man but went out Saturday night, and had by my standards a pretty uneventful night

The highlight was when i picked up Matt Lucas of Little Britain fame, i dropped off a fair in Hampstead and was just about to pull away when out of the shadows appeared this figure asking was i available "yes" i reply, the guy said my friend will be down in one minute

five minutes later no show and the meter is running up all the time, now when I'm in this situation especially at night my imagination runs riot with me, i start to imagine these drink and drug fuelled louts coming out and arguing about how much is on the meter already, and after i share a few of my past stories with you, as i will from time to time, you'll see why i think that way, believe me it ain't paranoia

Anyway two minutes later i hear this voice say your cab is over there, that's when i realise its Matt Lucas, i don't know whether to act normal or to come out with my usual rendition of "I'm the only gay in the village" i got chatting to him on the way to his home, and found out he was an avid Goon er me being a spurs fan didn't seem to be a problem, football somehow seems to be a good subject for striking up a conversation between lads, but this was Matt Lucas

anyway he turned out to be a very nice Guy, he even joked about being a chef in his last job referring to the food poisoning of the Spurs football team two seasons ago, and as he got out of the cab in my best high pitched voice i gave him my best rendition of "I'm a lady" to which he replied you do it so well i could be out of a job
Anyway its 1.30pm and I'm just about to gear myself up for the forthcoming shift which i always dread I'm OK once i get out the door anyway until tonight a peace full day to all

Against my better judgement

Iv been known to have a disaster or two, i think the best way to kick this Blog off is to explain a little about my Good Self.
Iv been driving a London taxi for 13 years now, On the day i passed the Knowledge i went with my Cabbie mate Carlos to go & pick up my cab from Coley Allen's east London, Against my better judgement i allowed Carlos to talk me into going out to Heathrow to pick up my first fare on the way out there i realised the tradition is to do the first fare free of charge not being superstitious i just did the job into a London hotel & i think at the time got roughly £35 and duly went straight back for some more of the same, on the way back to Heathrow on the elevated section of the M4 motorway the bonnet flew up into the air and buckled the bonnet so i ended up tying down the bonnet and limping back to the garage i prayed this wasn't a taste of things to come, i thought when i got to the garage they would give me another cab they just simply took another bonnet that had just come out of the spray booth and fitted it to mine.
Like the fool i am and being keen i went back out there for some more, by the way when you get a job out there it means Heathrow
The feeder park for taxis at Heathrow in them days had a feeder rank into the main rank this was aptly named the Banjo Cos of its shape, you could Que for some time here edging forward a few feet at a time, it was a roasting hot day I'll never forget as i edged forward i thought i was hallucinating as the paint on the bonnet started to slide off the bonnet and show the primer underneath, obviously the paint hadn't dried properly and the heat of the sun coupled with the movement was too much for the paintwork, it didn't exactly inspire me with confidence for the future
I used to just think i was just unlucky but even in my first week of being a butter boy Some lunatic overshot a junction ploughed into the side of my cab a coley Allen special, very nearly sending me through a shop window i got carted off to hospital in a neck brace strapped to a spinal board
"IT could only happen to you" Carlos would say
Anyway as i get used to Blogging i will fill you in with some-more disasters.
Anyway Goodnight for now Don't all rush at once to post a comment
Titanic signing off